The Answered Prayer

Awesome outfit for urgent care, right?

Most of you all know this has been a rough couple of weeks for me.  A youth group 80s skating party suddenly landed me in urgent care (in an awesome 80s outfit, by the way) with a fractured left wrist.  A splint, 2 casts, an unnatural amount of sleep, and many doctor's visits later, I am recovering. I am getting stronger.  I am healing.  But this journey has not been without pain...but with pain, comes great growth.

Over the past three weeks, I have been praying and meditating, trying to understand and wrap my mind around what God has planned for me with this misadventure.  It's been hard, with many days that I just didn't know how to get started praying, or for what my heart really wanted to pray.  But God led me to show He was actually answering one of my prayers.

I have been praying, for nearly a year now, for greater awareness of my sins, for a more repentant heart, a heart that wants God more than it wants its sins.  I find, for me at least, it is all too easy to get spiritual blinders on ourselves - to see ourselves as doing pretty good, to forget the beauty and fullness and completeness of grace.  Well, let me tell you, I have come very up close and personal with my sin these past few weeks, and it is not pretty.  In fact, I am amazed how much gunk and nastiness was inside me, despite the good and beautiful things God has grown there.

As I heal, I've had to let go of my pride, my pride in my appearance (it's really hard to fix your hair or makeup with one hand), my pride that I can do things on my own.  I've asked for lots of help from friends and been amazed by their love and grace for me once I exposed my own weaknesses (my life group brought me food for over a week).

With a broken wrist, one cannot do much physical therapy on others, so I have been on light duty. This is, in itself, a huge grace gift to prevent using all my time off for the whole year while I recover.  I've seen my huge drive to achieve in my work, and realize how much of my identity and worth I have placed in work rather that in my unchanging status as a child of God.  I wonder how much I have been following/achieving for my own glory, rather than for God and His glory.

Finally, I've had to surrender my tendency to totally plan and control my life.  If you think you are in control, see what a fractured wrist shows you...I am so not in control.  The past few weeks (and I suspect the next few weeks, as well) have looked nothing like I planned.  But, strangely, they look exactly as God as planned.  Have I been controlling God in my desire to achieve and plan my life?  Has my life looked far different from God's plan for me, because I have not wanted to be led by Him?  Do I really let anyone in leadership (besides myself) lead me?

It has been hard for me to write this post, and to organize my thoughts.  Although I usually write with transparency here, it is difficult to open my heart in this way, to really expose my gunkiness that I am in process of surrendering to God for greater grace and transformation.  But I've realized that is my pride speaking again, that there's someone reading this that desperately needs this, and needs my candor and openness of heart.  But even now, I take heart - God did not leave me as He found me, but daily transforms me into the beautiful, godly woman He designed and created me to be.  He is daily bringing to completion in Christ the good work He started in me - and each of you.

So take heart, my friends.  And watch out what you pray for. :)