I tithe. I give to multiple charitable causes and my church's expansion program fund. I sponsor a child in Haiti through Compassion International. I serve weekly with the high school youth group.
In the mental generosity checklist in my mind, I was doing awesome.
(Note to self: if any aspect of my faith becomes a mental checklist, I need a serious heart adjustment.)
Then, I began raising support for my trip to Haiti, and God shattered my self-righteous, Pharisee-like self image.
I prayed, sent out support letters, and prayed some more. Friends and family supported my trip, which is totally awesome. I felt special and important whenever I got an "A donation has been made to your outreach" email.
But....I struggled (and am still struggling) with the amount of money I have yet to raise. Friends and family are going on awesome vacations, buying lots of cool new possessions, and are unable to financially support my trip.
If I got the, "Well, that's about what my vacation cost me," comment one more time, I thought I'd scream. Travelling to Haiti to work as a physical therapist in less-than-ideal standards for a week, a vacation? Seriously?
I realized God was breaking down more walls and judgments in my heart. I absolutely cannot know the state of people's hearts and finances by a quick conversation, or even a deeply developed relationship. God was teaching me that true generosity involves grace towards others, for where they are in their journey, for the level of their understanding of your personal walk, for how much they are able to realize how important this adventure is to me.
I re-realized something incredibly important: it's not about me!
It's hard to not feel special and a little important when folks support your outreach, but that has nothing to do with the reason behind my trip. I thought I was going to transform myself, but the opportunities I've had so far, over a month before I leave, to share Jesus with others and the requests to learn more about my trip are absolutely an amazing blessing. This is why I'm going to Haiti, not for personal transformation and edification.
I read this amazing thought in King's Cross by Tim Keller this week:
"If you really understand the Cross, you are blasted out into the world in joyful humility."
Oops. Epic fail on my part. Totally not so humble me.
Somehow, I'd missed the whole point of this adventure, this season of preparation: to serve with humility, to reach others for Christ with unquenchable joy and love in my heart. THAT, my friends, is true generosity.
God, thanks for the course correction.
Current prayer requests for my trip:
- Ongoing financial support, including new opportunities to raise support.
- Someone to host a garage sale to raise support. This was recommended to me by a friend, but is not logistically possible without outside support, as I live in an apartment.
- The ability to blog/send Facebook prayer requests during my trip. We have be told to not plan on having internet access, but I would truly love to be able to share my experiences while I am in Haiti.
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