Before my last trip to Haiti, I would have told you that God has already transformed me and given me a new heart, that the big parts of my renewal and transformation were mostly done. I couldn't have thought anything farther than the truth. My heart is wrecked, transformed, hurting and feeling in new ways. Ways that are scary, exciting, and way beyond what my little human brain can understand.
I love being able to talk with my friends and family whenever I want, sleeping in my very comfortable bed, and taking hot showers. I can eat whatever I want, never feel hot and sweaty unless I'm going for a run, and get a very comfortable amount of money magically put in my checking account every two weeks. Roads are smooth and my car is fun to drive.
But I miss holding Haitian kids, feeling them love to be embraced. I miss kids grabbing my hair because they've never seen anything like it. I miss hearing voices sing praises and read the Psalms in Creole. I miss the smile of parents, the way they warm up to a bunch of 'blancos,' after we love on their child who was created in the image of God.
Yes, being in Haiti is exhausting and uncomfortable. You wage constant battles sharing your bathroom with mice and cockroaches. The smell of Haiti can knock you off your feet. Five minutes in air conditioning feels like Eden.
Still, a huge part of me wants that life. My life in the US, where I have pretty much everything I wanted, is easy and comfortable.
I no longer want easy and comfortable. I want a challenge...a challenge to love and serve bigger than my ability. That is a scary thing to say.
I don't know where this is leading, but I know my Creator does. He's moving me to pray in big ways, scary-awesome-I-can't-believe-I'm-praying-this kind of prayers, with an intensity and intentionality I've never before experienced.
Our heart transformation is never done. We may think the story is over, the job is complete, the destination arrived, but God is never done with us until we are called home.
Isn't that good news?! I can't wait to see where this adventure of a new heart will lead me!
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