Green Eyes

Portia:
How all other passions fleet to air,
As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair,
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love,
Be moderate; allay thy ecstasy,
In measure rein thy joy; scant this excess.
I feel too much thy blessing; make it less,
For fear I surfeit.

-Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice, 1556.

As part of my experience reading The Me I Want to Be, I took an online personality assessment at Monvee. I liked reading about how I learn best by reading and writing, that my personality is similar to that of David, and that I experience God best by learning about Him to get my brain working.

Then, the survey told me my 'signature sin' is envy. Excuse me, said a little voice in my head, that is so NOT one of my major sins. (Obviously, I also need to work on self-awareness and pride.)

So I thought, until my quiet time Friday morning. I was praying about something that has been burdening my heart for a long time, causing me a lot of grief, pain, and tears. I knew I was going to have to face my burden head-on soon.

Now, I know that journaling as a spiritual discipline gets a lot of flack, but it helps me be on the same wavelength as the Lord. I heard His voice clearly in that quiet morning with my coffee and Bible, as I more and more often do. He told me my burden was due to the envy deep in my heart. I envy certain people of certain things they have; things that God has promised me but has not yet given me.

I tell you what, when God reveals His truths to me, it's like being hit by a freight train...but this was a liberating collision. It helped me face my burden head-on, head held high. I could separate the hurt emotions, the part of me that is tired of waiting and praying, and analyze what was happening in front of me. I could see that without God giving me these desires of my heart, they are superficial, meaningless, and empty. I don't just want these things without the deeper meaning; someday I will have both, when my prayers are answered.

This was a huge breakthrough for me, although I know the battle is constant and no where near over. In the words of my friend C.S...as my natural self dies and is replaced with Christ, the old me rises up, trying to win a battle. It will not (I pray) win the war; but it will make the war more challenging.

I'm going to keep fighting. Keep encouraging me and holding me accountable. Keep my eyes from being green.