The Forbidden Subject

Back when I started writing this blog, there were a few subjects in my mind I would never write about. I was determined that this blog would be encouraging, uplifting, and never whining. If I couldn't write about something in that way, it wasn't a subject for my blog.

However, one of my 'forbidden subjects' has become something I can write about without be negative. God has transformed my heart again (isn't it awesome how He does that?!).

The forbidden subject.....singleness.

I feel like I can write about being single now because of the transformation in my heart, but also because of some good blogs on the subject I've read lately (Mars Hill and Disciple Dojo). I reckon I should add my voice to the discussion.

I'm not going to lie, being single is one of those subjects that cycles through my brain quite regularly, and not in a positive way. I'm not going to deny that being single is painful, lonely, and some days pretty awful - the moment you realize you're going stag to a friend's wedding again. However, being single has made me seek God and test God in ways I would never have if I was with someone, no matter how amazing and godly and cute he might be.

What have I learned lately about being single? Hold on to your hats.

You have to decide: God is sovereign, or He is not. I choose to believe that He is sovereign over all things, including my singleness. If He hasn't decided I'm ready to meet this fellow, then I'm not. And strangely, God has told me just that. Looking back over the past five years (or even twelve months, for that matter), I'm not ready. My values, my self-image, my faith, were not (are not?) ready for the kind of relationship I know now that I desire. I would have chosen someone albeit very attractive, but not godly, for a spouse. I might have been happy in the present, but who knows what kind of heartache I might have experienced later.

Furthermore, I believe grace is an important part of a marriage relationship. I am currently not so awesome at giving grace to others, yet very good at demanding it for myself. While I think I will always be a work in progress in the arena, I think I need to learn to be graceful about cleaning up after my roommate before I have a husband who leaves dirty socks in random places around the house. Until I can learn this better (and isn't Jesus the best teacher for this lesson?), I should probably not marry anyone.

Finally, I am learning to embrace who God has meant me to be, with and without a partner. If I was married (or had married young), I do not think I would be pursuing so many opportunities to serve God and to grow in my faith. I would not have been able to accept, believe, and live out the truth: that I am a beautiful child of God. I'd be relying on someone else's approval to give me my worth. I've had time to learn about God and how He would have me live, and am slowly working to make changes towards better discipleship and stewardship of my self and resources. Not because I need to work to please God and earn favor, but because I believe that is the person He really created me to be.

Despite all that God has shown me about myself lately that indicates I'm not ready for marriage, there are some truths that I cling to with every fiber of my being. One, that the desire for a spouse is planted deep inside me, by God and no one else. And secondly, (although this seems weird even to me), I know that God has specifically promised me marriage through relevation through the Word. It's not an experience I can explain, or even share the verses to make you understand. But I do know that the Word came alive to me one day, and that Satan couldn't do that. And God wouldn't do that to me, only to change His promises. And just as surely as I know the truth of this promise, I know that this promise is not for this season. This is a preparation time, a growing season before the harvest.

I hope this has encouraged some of you today...I know this is a tough issue, that many of us struggle with, that tests our faith as Christians. But I know, as maybe some of you do too, that our faith cannot grow without testing and refining. For me (and maybe you), this is our furnace.

Which means we will be even more beautiful when we are out of the fire.