Generous (?)

My church just finished its annual sermon series on generosity; stewardship of your time, talents, and treasures. Even after hearing similar messages every year, it resonates with me. Actually, this year it taught me so much more than I could have imagined.

Earlier this year, I made some major changes in my life. I took the Crown Financial Bible Study offered by my church with an amazing group of women and learned how selfish, stingy, and nasty my heart was. I really feel like taking that small group class was a major turning point in my faith, changing my faith and life in so many ways, financial and otherwise. I'm learning that trusting God with ALL parts of your life is how you see Him show up in your everyday life (although I'm still a major work in progress).

So this year during the Generous series, part of me was thinking, "I've got this. You preach it and tell these other people how God's telling us to live." Such a humble heart.

And God smacked me in the face, as I totally deserved.

I realized I wasn't such a generous person. I hold certain things, certain parts of myself back. I like getting approval and accolades for my acts of generosity.

I read this really great Proverbs 31 devotional that week by Wendy Pope....

"No, I did not nor do want to be a "good" Christian. Gasp. The word good is defined as satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree. Never do I want to be satisfied with the quantity and quality of my life as a Christian."

How could I be satisfied with my paltry attempts to be generous when faced with the generosity epitomized on the Cross? Can I really think that tithing and volunteering with students etc makes me anywhere near as generous as God or Jesus?

I'm realizing that I had become comfortable with my generosity, that I was doing my part while staying comfortable and enjoying life with spiritual warm fuzzies in the air. I had the honor to hear Francis Chan speak this summer, and he said something that has really stuck with me: "We are more concerned with our own standard of living than how others are living."

And sadly, that's true to an extent.

I keep forgetting (hopefully it's not just me) that being a Christian isn't about being comfortable, but about being salt and light, being the change that our world so desperately needs. I think Satan has been playing into the lie that Christians (me particularly) should be comfortable, to keep us from being effective Kingdom people. It's pretty pathetic that Satan can twist something so good as generosity into a weapon to keep us from being closer to and more like God.

What's next? Right after the smack in the face, I felt God tell me what was next...new small ways of generosity. I will say (and you can not like me for saying this) that God teaches me the most through financial generosity. When He pushes me to give away the money He's helped me earn is when I rely on Him most, when I pray most, when my heart is most humble and obedient. But I also know there is much of myself that I do not share with others, that would be a gift to them.

Small steps. Small acts of generosity and kindness. Big generosity and grace on the Cross.